If you’re recently divorced, had a break-up, or are “still single,” there are 6 things to do to thrive as you move toward a new relationship:
1. Remember who you’ve been
A break up or decline in self-esteem may have spiraled you down the rabbit hole. Come back up! Re-engage your Confident self by first remembering who you were when you succeeded in the past in a relationship. What made you attractive? Confidence? Loyalty? Honesty? You mock the ordinary? You’re clever and kind at the same time? You’re actually authentic? Don’t let the recent chaos of the break-up take away your personality-bling. You were fun before, made others laugh, you can be that again. You were creative, made great weekend-getaway plans. Remember who you’ve been. It’s still part of who you are.
2. Focus on the Other, not just Your Sweet Self
People are attracted to those who are into them. Show your interest. Ask questions, get out of your own head, stop worrying what they’re thinking about you. (#Thoughtcontrol#notpossible) You want this person to shine their best so you can decide if you like them. Help them out.
3. Do the unexpected
In your 20’s, you went camping under the stars on a warm night in just a sleeping bag w/ friends. Or, got up and took photos of your new partner’s profile in that morning light. Your Wild Self sent a selfie of your sexy crossed legs in a skirt. If you didn’t, you could have. Doing the unexpected kicks in your creativity, which ignites your sensuality, & vice versa.
4. Get more comfortable being uncomfortable
If you’re a girl, ask the guy if he wants your number. Sometimes great guys are shy. If you’re a guy , risk being vulnerable, cut the safety of a “line,” and tell her she’s lovely. Just be authentic without being a weirdo. It will feel awkward. If it were easy , you would have already done it. Change comes with discomfort. Risk taking the risk.
5. Take off your favorite mask
So many clients I see try to be the same person they are at work , in the gym, or in their former relationship when they’re dating. Expand. You are many things, all at the same time. Don’t stay frozen, wearing a mask that says, “I am this ONE WAY.” There’s a new you, who is real & more complex. Be the variety of selves, all in one, that you can be.
6. Work your butt off on your stuff
Ugly repeats of doing the same chaotic things you did in the last relationship will only have the same results. Work on your stuff, no matter what your ex or the next person is doing. My clients who take 100% responsibility to alter past poor behavior see results. Do you really want to change, though? Or do you just want to blame? If you’re a blamer, you won’t thrive; you might as well have stayed with your former. If you’re looking at yourself with fierce honesty, digging in the dirt and uprooting past reactions & ways of thinking, you’ll move forward into love.
Pamela W. Brinker, LCSW